PACT Principle(s): Mutuality (two-person system), Having your partner’s owner’s manual

Topic: Boundaries and Personal Space

Overview: The need for personal space varies from person to person. An individual’s need for personal space may vary over the course of the day, week, or month and depend on mood, situation, or other circumstances. Personal space can include an individual’s personal “bubble,” the need for time alone, the need for physical touch, or the need for quiet or conversation. Some people crave touch, hugs, and closeness, while others feel trapped by a hug or conversation and need to know they can freely disentangle when needed.

Questions for Discussion: Do you and your partner have similar needs when it comes to privacy, personal space, touch, or conversation? How do you know when your partner wants to be close or touch, or when they want to be left alone? Is your partner comfortable sitting in silence? What do you know about your partner’s history that formed their needs around boundaries? Were your partner’s boundaries honored in childhood? How do you know when your partner needs more space? Do either your or your partner feel rejected or threatened when one of you wants time alone? What happens when your needs for time and space are not in sync? Remember that you each came to the relationship with your boundary expectations pre-installed.

Prompts: “I know you want a hug when…” “I know when to let go in a hug when…” “I think you like quiet when…” “When you want to be alone I feel…” “I like/don’t like being together without talking because…” “How can I better protect/meet your need for space?”

The Practice: Use the prompts and discussion areas above to explore your needs for personal space, both individually and as a couple. Spend the coming week noticing your partner’s cues when it comes to wanting to draw you near or to have more space. When in doubt, ask: “I think you want a hug but I’m not sure.” Pay attention to your own desire for your partner’s closeness or distance and how you communicate that. For example: “I like it when we make and eat dinner together, and then I need about 30 minutes of alone time” or “when would be a good time to hang out together?” Discuss ways you can make this practice playful.

Timeline: Plan to spend a minimum of a week on this practice. Depending on the experience you may want to extend it to two weeks.

Check-in: Check-in with each other daily about what you’re noticing. Is it playful? Is it hard? Have you learned anything new about your partner?